So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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