y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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