I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
