I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
