i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
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If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize