Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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