Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
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