At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
