...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
