apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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