You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't deserve a penis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
