and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
