i wish my penis had a tongue
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
