Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
being pregnant is like rehab
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
