I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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