So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Who died my cat blue again?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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