Where is the hickey?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
