it wasn't lemon gatorade
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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