I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
