She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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