I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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