I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
