You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
