you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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