our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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