I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
