I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
