So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
