I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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