when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
