I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
