Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
