We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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