So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
