My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
