Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
