I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
