The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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