Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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