"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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