I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
