The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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