I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
