he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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