I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
