Need sex. Gaining weight.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
