Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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