An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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