I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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