If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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