Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
