i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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