He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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