She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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