After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
