WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
