so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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