Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
