STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
