Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
