Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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