Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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