Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
