My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
