I didn't shave. On purpose
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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