did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just invented taco cereal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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